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The early stages in Couples Therapy


Helping couples to focus on and enlarge the strengths and affectionate bond and to stop being concerned with one another’s weaknesses and flaws is one of the paramount aims of couples therapy.

Often times couples can get stuck in early life decisions and issues which then get projected onto the other partner and the relationships can get stuck here. By shifting the focus from what is wrong to what is right or from what is not working to what works beautifully the relationship has space to breathe and love has a chance to flow.

Couples relationships go through stages. One of the first stages is bonding. When babies come into the world and experience loving containment and care they learn to fall in love with life. Bonding is what produces the love hormones of oxytocin which solidifies the affectionate and caring dispositions towards others. If the affectionate bond is maintained in the couples relationship then a healthy and joyful couple can grow. It is this bonding stage so evident at the beginning of a loving relationship that we will bring into the work together. It did provide a loving foundation way back when you got together but somewhere along the way got disrupted and could be some of the reasons that you are looking for couple therapy. When your relationship starts to ‘hurt’ the affectionate connection gets lost and conflict, hostility, resentment; competitiveness ensue.

When babies come into the world unless they experience a secure and loving bond with their mother / care-giver they will develop anxieties and differing beliefs that don’t strengthen their immune systems, don’t reassure their hearts, don’t nourish their cells and because of these behaviours the deepest levels of their being come to expect other than what is loving, kind and nourishing. This in turn has life long implications on their relationships and well-being.

So what do you do in your couple when you catch yourself feeling uncomfortable towards your partner?

Do you withdraw from them?
Do you try to fix them?
Do you argue and fight about this?
Do you shutdown?
Do you feel dislike toward your partner?
Do you disagree with them and tell them they should not feel like this?

Can you stay connected to yourself, in tune with the feelings and sensations flowing through you in the moment when your partners strong feelings arise?

Are you able to reach into yourself and from the best place (your heart) respond in a loving way?

When you are unable to do this because in one way or another you become overwhelmed emotionally then some of the vital energy that attracted you together in the beginning gets lost.

Vital energy

Vital energy is like our life force, it is our essential energy that gets us up and ready for life. When we lack this vitality we become depressed, switched off from life and love and it is as if we are like the ‘walking dead’. We accept things rather then initiate, we say no when we would like to say yes and vice versa or we agree to many dinner dates with friends rather than for example, ask for a romantic dinner date just the two of you.

Some indicators of vitality are:

  • Healthy desires
    – what are yours?
  • Healthy sensuality
    -can you feel connected to the softness of the air?
    – do you let music move you?
    – do you enjoy the sunset
  • Joyful energy
    -when do you laugh from your belly?
    – can you skip and play like a child?
  • Strength in oneself
    – how confident are you in yourself and your place in your relationship?
    – how confident are you in your body
  • Harmony
    – what feels good like warm honey in your couple?
    – can you move with harmony?
  • Flow
    – where do you compliment each other?
    – how does this show in your movement?
  • Natural breathing rhythm
    – when you breath together do you feel free?
  • Resting and tranquillity
    – do you rest sufficiently?

Couples with vital energy can repair what is going wrong. Perhaps you have it already and it just needs to be allowed to breathe again or perhaps you need to change your energy.
Your vital energy when switched on will be full of life, stable, compassionate, intuitive and your creative efforts can go towards creating the relationship you would love to have.

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