When one partner has unresolved trauma

When things seem to not be working in your relationship and you cant figure it out or get to those places where you feel part of each other any more, tuned in and held in your partners heart, held in love perhaps couples work can work for you.

However, when one partner has unresolved trauma and the other does not the relationship can begin to scream loudly and can be a big part of the reason for why something is out of balance.

Difficult experiences are are held in the body until you are able to release them. Often times simply talking about the relationship issues is not enough to stimulate the changes that need to happen in order to come back to love. You can spend years and years talking, believing that you are resolving your problems and that your partner understands you etc. but you feel tired and actually really sad most of the time because the fire has gone out. There are no sparks flying. You can feel at the deepest level unlovable, a disappointment; unwanted or unseen for example. You may believe that things are good between you both because you talk a lot, however, the flow of love that is at the body level is not there.

So what do we need to do?

We need to bring your body into the room and work from there.

This means attending to your posture / breathing / energy and holding in your body as well as the tiny micro movements, the shaping etc. It means we need to attend to the relationship dance.

When couple come for couple therapy we need to be working from the body felt senses and not just the verbal dialogue. The couple need to address their issues from their bodies which means that for someone who has suffered difficult and traumatic experiences such as abuse simply pleasing your partner in order to get your needs met and your way rather than showing up as your best and most alive self is a dynamic that will need to change.

How do we do this in session?

We do this by looking for the movements that can flow around the holding in the body. As an example if you stand with your posture very rigid and upright we will look to what happens if you soften. If the posture is collapsed with a hopelessness we will look at what happens when your legs are strong and you lift your torso straight and search for the vitality coming back.

If couples get to this stage then there is a good chance that love will be reintegrated into their relationship. As in the example I have given above of one partner having the unresolved trauma it must be acknowledged that resolving your past trauma is important if you want to rebuild your relationship.

What does this look like?

Sometimes this will mean that the partner who is suffering with unresolved trauma needs to find ways of asking for their partner to come into their world more and be there more for them. If the partner is willing to do this then there is a pathway back to your love dance.

If you are needing a Couple consultation please contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.


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